Thursday, July 26, 2012

A year ago,  I wrote this entry in my journal. When I was feeling up in the air with my job situation. After few months, things came trough and clear. The waiting was worth it! 

"It seems that God always gives me what I don't want. 
But what do I want? Isn't it true that I'm always saying I want God's will in my life? So why do I say He doesn't give me what I want? God is Sovereign, King of the universe and hence Lord of my life. He sees what I don't see, His thoughts exceed mine, I am ashamed even to compare myself with Him. Today, after several decades lived, I can somehow understand this human dynamic . A  struggle constantly present in me and in the lives of those around me. This fight always starts disguised as an idea, becoming a desire, something I desperately want to achieve, something that I dream day and night.  I'm on my knees praying fervently... sometimes with tears,  maybe I can convince the God Almighty. Results? Nothing, empty hands... I did not get what I wanted. Later, resignation...and then when I am calm, quiet, reflecting of the results of not getting what I wanted, I just laugh, and stand in stunned... silence before the omniscience of God. He knows what is best. Of course I have also seen prayers answered immediately after asking for it!
So for that reason, when I go through moments where my desires are on the pending list, where the days seem too long, when I'm full of anxiety and curiosity to know what is going to happen...God, remind me I can not take even a second to play YOUR role. I don't have the capacity to see the whole picture, and to ask for things correctly. In moments of waiting give me faith, replace discouragement for hope. Give me strength to not give up into thoughts of defeat. I pray that the past victories will comfort and inspire me to go on in peace, and to not repeat the same mistakes all over again.
Father, this is my sincere prayer at a time of waiting.

Ximena Maria

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