Today I spent some time planning my summer 2013. I don't have much yet, many decisions to make still. But it brought memories from my 2012 summer, how wonderful it was in spite of some disappointments with my own expectations. Here is what i wrote:

"I want to be surprised by God, I don't need to know everything...a surprise makes life exciting! "

                                                                                                                                                  7/24/12

"At the end of the school year I was all excited about my summer, thinking with a hopeful mind about what was lay ahead. I planned only two domestic trip in June and July. A mission trip top the Bronx for a week, and a bike ride to Goshen Indiana.  I'm almost in my forties, single, Latina, speaking English as a second language. The idea of getting married sounds like a miracle.  I decided to intervene in my situation and make and effort to meet "My suitable help" How? Going back to e harmony. Results? got overwhelmed with all the questionnaires and disliking the fact to go out with strangers. But my adventurous spirit came out and I did try it. None of the dates work out.  

My summer is almost over I haven't met my guy, but on the contrary I met "the GUYS", four beautiful men with a heart that overflows with God's love. In addition I got to know ten wonderful ladies that has brought laughter to my life. Friendship is a kiss from God. Now I'm leaving this Friday to bike 350 miles...I'm sure that I will meet loving gentlemen, and more ladies that will add more positive insights to my life, life is good..."

My ride is a precious memory that I will never forget, It went well. I discovered a hidden joy in pedaling, I learned many life lessons, pain brings satisfaction at the end....I know this summer will be different. I'm taking a group of students to the Bronx, right now I'm praying that God will provide more adults for this trip. Turkey, Ecuador and more biking, are possibilities, maybe sky diving..but definitively no more "attempts" to meet "someone". No more e harmony, or blind dates..I just want to enjoy what I have, I have too much, I want to love and serve people around me. Welcome to my forties!

A year ago,  I wrote this entry in my journal. When I was feeling up in the air with my job situation. After few months, things came trough and clear. The waiting was worth it! 

"It seems that God always gives me what I don't want.  But what do I want? Isn't it true that I'm always saying I want God's will in my life? So why do I say He doesn't give me what I want? God is Sovereign, King of the universe and hence Lord of my life. He sees what I don't see, His thoughts exceed mine, I am ashamed even to compare myself with Him. Today, after several decades lived, I can somehow understand this human dynamic . A  struggle constantly present in me and in the lives of those around me. This fight always starts disguised as an idea, becoming a desire, something I desperately want to achieve, something that I dream day and night.  I'm on my knees praying fervently... sometimes with tears,  maybe I can convince the God Almighty. Results? Nothing, empty hands... I did not get what I wanted. Later, resignation...and then when I am calm, quiet, reflecting of the results of not getting what I wanted, I just laugh, and stand in stunned... silence before the omniscience of God. He knows what is best. Of course I have also seen prayers answered immediately after asking for it!
So for that reason, when I go through moments where my desires are on the pending list, where the days seem too long, when I'm full of anxiety and curiosity to know what is going to happen...God, remind me I can not take even a second to play YOUR role. I don't have the capacity to see the whole picture, and to ask for things correctly. In moments of waiting give me faith, replace discouragement for hope. Give me strength to not give up into thoughts of defeat. I pray that the past victories will comfort and inspire me to go on in peace, and to not repeat the same mistakes all over again.
Father, this is my sincere prayer at a time of waiting."


Ximena Maria